Five Ways to Handle Kids’ Anxieties This Winter
Worry creates its own negative cycle. Parents who notice concerning signs can use these strategies to break patterns before they get established.
Everyone worries or feels stressed periodically, but according to Child Mind Institute’s Rachel Ehmke, children or adults with anxiety disorders experience significant disruptions to daily life because of these symptoms. Medical or mental health providers diagnose and treat anxiety disorders. During stressful times like the 2020 pandemic, anxiety symptoms often become more prevalent, so understanding how experts approach anxiety can help parents develop more confidence in supporting children using evidence-based strategies. It’s helpful to remember that, in children, anxiety may show up as a stomachache, change in behavior, or difficulty sleeping — so if you notice a pattern, checking in with a medical professional about these symptoms makes sense.
Don’t Rescue or Reassure.
Parents’ first reaction to a child’s distress is often to try to make it go away. We say things like, “It’s OK — there’s nothing to worry about!” For a child who does feel worried, being told their feelings aren’t real only worsens the situation. Instead, listen and validate the feelings you’re hearing. A parent can say, “That sounds hard. Tell me more about how you’re feeling,” or “I can see why that bothers you. Are you thinking about it a lot?”
Along with acknowledging children’s feelings, parents should be cautious about simply avoiding worry triggers. Whether it’s a fear of spiders, being left in a room alone, or going swimming, avoiding these stimuli actually communicates to a child that they’re right to be anxious — after all, if there’s nothing to worry about, why is their parent avoiding the trigger, too?
Instead, parents can scaffold experiences by exposing children to triggers briefly at times when they’re relaxed and able to cope. For example, a parent a child who’s afraid of sleeping in a dark room might help the child gradually move a nightlight out of the room. For children with diagnosed anxiety disorders, practitioners may recommend different approaches. However, much as exposure therapy is a first-line treatment for diagnosed anxiety disorders, successfully managing routine exposure in non-therapeutic environments can offer a way for those with mild symptoms to counteract the limbic system’s fight-or-flight response, which is the neurological source of anxious thoughts and feelings.
Understand the Anxious Brain.
According to Harvard Medical School’s Mental Health Letter, children and adults with anxiety experience a conflict between the prefrontal cortex, which governs planning and analytical thinking, and the amygdala and limbic system, which controls emotional responses and the “fight or flight” reaction to perceived danger or distress.
A person who’s experiencing anxiety symptoms can’t easily absorb well-reasoned responses to their feelings, because their limbic system is flooded with signals intended to help them avoid danger — even if that danger isn’t always as real or present as they feel it is in the moment. For example, for a child afraid of taking a bath, thinking about a tub full of water may activate some of the same neurological fear responses as falling out of a boat in a storm, even if that seems unreasonable to a person who lacks those same fears.
By hearing a child’s worries and reflecting them back, a parent can help the child’s limbic system relax. This allows the prefrontal cortex — the analytical processing center — to play a greater role in their thinking. Listening to a child’s feelings doesn’t make anxiety worse; instead, it strengthens relationships and builds trust so that a child can hear your advice once their rational brain systems are better able to function.
When listening isn’t enough, try an intervention designed by Renee Jain, founder of GoZen!, an organization that focuses on helping kids with anxiety. Renee calls this activity FEEL.
- Freeze: Stop, and focus on deep breathing. Breathing helps the nervous system relax.
- Empathize: Actively listen to your child so they feel heard and connected.
- Evaluate: After your child has relaxed, consider what to do next, whether that’s contacting a mental health provider or pediatrician, following a plan you have already made with professional help, or calling a friend or family member for support.
- Let Go: Remind yourself that you’re doing your best to help your child. Their anxiety doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job as a parent!
Remember, Anxiety Has a Purpose.
Acknowledging that anxious feelings are, at their basis, productive and protective can help kids and adults avoid the feeling that “Something is wrong with me!” Kids may even worry about anxiety itself, so guiding children to look for the purpose behind their behavior can help to limit its negative effects. Increasing kids’ understanding of anxious feelings as natural reactions can also help them share these feelings more easily.
Recognizing the purpose of worry supports healthy metacognitive patterns, where children notice anxious feelings, evaluate them, and use learned strategies to feel better. A parent might say, “Being afraid of taking a bath makes sense, and it’s true — water can be dangerous sometimes. I care about keeping you safe. When you’re feeling better, we can talk about good ways to stay safe in the bathtub.”
Focus on Evidence-Based Practices.
Adults can help children locate and learn research-based tools to address and manage their anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), exposure, adult support and modeling, and medication are some of the therapies and approaches that can work to ease anxiety symptoms. The Cleveland Clinic’s Dr. Susan Albers-Bowling suggests naming feelings as one way to reduce anxiety over time.
Naming feelings may be especially relevant for children, who have less experience and vocabulary with which to contextualize their feelings. Parents can ask, “Let’s figure out, are you feeling more frustrated or worried?” and can help kids identify words to describe how they’re feeling. Some kids can benefit from giving their most frequent negative feelings personas, complete with names and characteristics. A film like Pixar’s Inside Out, where Riley’s emotions are characters in the story, demonstrates how this can work.
Older children who don’t connect to making up a character like “Worried Walter” can nonetheless benefit from parents demonstrating how to name and talk about negative feelings openly. Whether a child uses a character, a favorite stuffed animal, or simply names for emotions to help animate their interior experiences, building kids’ metacognitive abilities around their fears and worries helps develop an independent approach to recognizing, contextualizing, and addressing negative feelings.
Recognize and Release Worries.
Since telling others not to worry doesn’t work, what does? First, identify times of day when anxieties surface most. For many children, this is bedtime. Next, anticipate the development of anxiety and develop a ritual for noticing worries and letting them go. An older child might write down their thoughts in a journal; a younger one can sit with a parent and say their worries aloud to a candle, which they blow out after saying everything that’s on their mind.
The act of closing a journal or extinguishing a candle can assist the anxious person in letting their worries go after fully expressing them. Parents can help by making time for the practice and supporting it. This demonstrates that they acknowledge the child’s feelings, and will help prevent anxious thoughts from becoming overwhelming.
Children whose anxiety symptoms are mild and intermittent may benefit simply from being coached to talk about their feelings in a neutral way. For example, a parent might ask, “When you’re worried about whether I’ll be on time to pick you up, what goes through your mind?” Learning a child’s specific thought processes can help parents manage kids’ concerns, and lets adults model ways to handle worries head-on.
Recognizing and paying attention to children’s feelings shows kids it’s OK to have a wide range of emotions, and that adults believe they’re capable of managing difficult situations. This approach leads to resilience and makes it easier for kids to grow and learn.
There’s no substitute for seeking professional help with mental health challenges, and mental health professions offer resources for free or low-cost treatment. Parents who are worried about a child’s mental health can talk with a pediatrician, school counselor, or social worker to get appropriate assistance in managing a child’s care.
Katharine Hill, MS, MAT | Learning Specialist & Parent Educator | upnext.nyc
